First kisses and near misses...

I had a rather nasty headache yesterday, and by the time the kids got home from school, I was miserable.  So, the Impertinent Daughter took it upon herself to distract me.  Now, usually, when I have a migraine, I just want to be left alone, and yesterday was no exception, so I growled and grumbled and tried to burrow deeper under the covers to hide but pretty soon, I realized she wanted to talk, so.... I caved.   I have to admit, I kinda wanted to know what was so important that she could ignore my snarls and whimpers to be left alone.

So, we were sitting on the bed, and she was "pooring" my head, which consists of her stroking my forehead with her hand while murmuring things like, "poor Mama," and "is this helping?" and "I wish I could make it go away."  I watched her, then said, "So... what's on your mind, kiddo?"

She got this funny look on her face and said, "Um... what was your first kiss like?"

I had one of those parental moments.  You know, ohmigod, who tried to kiss her, I am SO not ready for this, why does she want to know this, she's just TEN!!  Then my second thought was, oh GEEZ, do I really want to tell this story?  (Yes, I can all hear you scooting closer to the computer and saying, "Oh, boy, knowing Auntie, this is going to be a good one!")  Because... you know...it's...well...EMBARRASSING!  But she was giving me that half pleading, half oh-I-don't-wanna-know-but-I-do look, and I sighed, knowing I was going to tell her the damn story and let her make up her own mind.  "My first kiss, huh?  Well...it was...er...dry."

"Dry?"  She got this skeptical look on her face, and I just knew she was thinking of Harry Potter and his description of his first kiss, which was "Wet."  She frowned.  "Just... dry?"

"Well," I admitted, "then it got... er...not so dry."

She stopped stroking my forehead and sat back.  "Okay, Mama, I gotta hear this.  And I want the WHOLE story!"

Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

"Well, sweetie, you have to understand, I was a tomboy, okay?  I was fourteen, and not interested much in boys except as friends."

"You were fourteen when you got your first kiss?"

I sighed.  This was already getting out of my control, so I let go of the tiger's tail and just started talking.  "Okay, here it is.  I was fourteen, and I was at summer camp.  It was only a week long camp, and there was this boy who pestered and teased me all week, putting frogs down the back of my shirt, pulling my hat off and tossing it up into a tree, then daring me to climb it to get my hat down, putting salt in my iced tea, calling me a boy, skinny, funny-looking, Monkey-face... all that.  I got to where I just really hated seeing that boy coming, you know?"

Miss Priss winced.  "How awful."

"It was."  And it was.  I mean, he made me so hopping mad sometimes, it was all I could do not to pick up the nearest big rock and just smash him in the face with it.  He inspired very violent feelings in me, you could say.  "And the worst part was... it was a small camp, and we were grouped by age, and had all our activities together since it was a co-ed camp.  So I couldn't get away from him.  I tried my best to avoid him during the times we didn't have shared activities, but he always turned up no matter where I went.  If I went into the woods to hike so I could be alone, there he was.  If I went to the pool to swim, there he was.  If I went to the snack-hut for chocolate chip cookies, he was there, snagging the last bag and eating them in front of me with a big grin on his face.  Drove me absolutely nuts."

"What did you do?"  I could see she was completely mesmerized, and I could also see she was building up this great, romantic fantasy in her head.  Oh, how I hated to burst her bubble, but you know me, I have to tell a good story!

"I ignored him.  When he poured salt in my iced tea, I waited until he turned his back and switched our glasses.  When I went hiking, I went places I knew he didn't like, or I just went back to my cabin.  I figured out he couldn't swim that well, so I went to the deep end of the pool when he showed up.  When he bought the last chocolate chip cookies, I bought the peanut butter cookies and went off to share them with my friends.  I couldn't understand why he was picking on me like that.  He didn't treat anybody else at the camp the way he treated me, and I wasn't going to put up with it."

"Aw, Mom..."

I just laughed.  "Well, the last day of camp came, and everybody said goodbye, promised to write and all that.  My group was one of the last to leave, though I can't remember why at the moment.  We were getting in the car and I realized I had left my book back in my cabin.  I didn't pack it because I was planning to read it on the way home.  So I ran back to get it and was glad to see the door was still open.  And my book was still lying on the bed where I had set it.  So I grabbed it, and when I came out... guess what?"

"What??"  She was practically bouncing in the bed, and I had to laugh, even though it nauseated me a bit. 

"He was standing there, by a tree, waiting for me.  I thought, oh, geez, great, he's got to have one last shot at me, and I braced myself for another round of "funny-looking Monkey-face," or some other biting insult, or sarcasm... but that's not what happened."

"Ooooooooo!" said my daughter, and she covered her face with her hands.  "What happened?"

I laughed.  "He grabbed me by the shoulders, and he kissed me."

She peeped out from between her fingers.  "Was it any good?"

"Um... no.  You see, he bumped my nose with his, and then he kept his mouth closed and all prissed up," and I demonstrated, my lips tightly clamped, and my face all scrunched up, like I'd just bitten into something very sour, and she burst out laughing.

"You can't kiss like THAT!" she said, rolling over on the bed, her arms around her stomach.  "That's just... WEIRD!!"

"It was!" I said, laughign with her.  "It was very weird, and I was so shocked I just stood there, frozen, trying to process it.  I guess he figured I liked it, because he did it again, but this time, it was a little softer, and he opened his mouth a bit and that shocked me even more, and I was able to move again."

"Oh!"  She was getting all starry-eyed.  "Oh, then.. then what did you do?"

"Very simple."  I smiled, knowing there was no other way to say it.  "I pushed him away... and then I punched him in the nose."

She wasn't expecting that.  She wasn't expecting that at ALL!!  I just started laughing at her expression.  "MOM!!!" she shouted.  "How COULD you??"

"Easy!  It was as sweet a punch as I'd ever landed, too," I said, all dreamy-eyed myself.  Oh, and it was.  I mean, I landed it right dead center, and it made the most satisfying CRUNCH when it hit!  "I mean, he had kissed me without so much as a by your leave!  He didn't ask, he just... did it!  And I couldn't stand him!  He'd tormented me all week and I was not in a very forgiving mood!  I punched him and he went flying back into that tree and slid down and stared up at me, all shocked with blood running down his face and he said, 'what did you do that for??' and I said, you kissed me!"

The Impertinent Daughter just stared at me for a moment, her eyes wide with shock, and then, she started laughing.  She started laughing until tears were rolling down her cheeks.  "OH!! OH!!  Oh, Mama!" she gasped.

Well, it WAS pretty funny!  

"What happened next?"

"Well, he tried to talk to me, telling me he liked me and all that, but I wasn't feeling all that receptive, and I ended up punching him again."

She winced.  "In the nose?"

"No, I gave him a lovely shiner to go with it."

"Were you bigger than him?"  She looked very dubious.

"Nope.  He was bigger than me.  But, you see, he liked me.  That was what all the teasing was about."

My daughter rolled her eyes.  "Why didn't he just say so?"

"Because," and I repeated the mantra she's been chanting since school started this year, "boys are weird." 

"What happened after that?"  I could see she was waiting to hear about some big romance or something.

"I ran back to my group.  When I looked back, he was standing there, holding his nose while blood ran down his chin, and his eye was swelling up.  I didn't even wave, I was so mad.  I was FURIOUS.  You see, I wasn't ready to see boys that way, yet.  They were just pals, or nuisances, depending on how they acted around me."

"Did you ever think about him again?"

"Oh yeah.  I spent a lot of time thinking about that awful, impossible kiss, wondering if it would have been any better if I had liked him, too."  I smiled at her.  "I don't know though.  I wasn't ready for it."

"So... when were you ready?"

"I was about sixteen."

"And your first kiss then?"

"Um... awful.  It was like being chewed on, as if I were a very tough steak."

"Ewwwwww!"

I laughed.  "Yeah, well... you could say he had no idea what he was doing."

"Ewwwwwww!  Please tell me it got better!"

"Um, yeah.  It did.  I met someone really nice, and it definitely got better.  But now my head is really, really pounding, so if you don't mind....?"

She got up, and turned back to look at me.  "Um... Mama?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for telling me about your first kiss."

"Sure, Hunnybunny."

"And Mom?"

I grimaced.  Just let me die in peace, willya?  "Yes?"

"Will you teach me how to land a sweet punch?"

Aaaaaahhhh... those mother/daughter moments... I live for 'em!!!