The way it goes
Monday, April 16th, 2007 12:01 pmMom called a little while ago. I've been sitting here sorta letting it sink in. Couple of weekends ago, my dad had trouble swallowing. He had esophageal cancer six years ago, came through it beautifully, but it's left him with problems swallowing from time to time. Food has to be cut up small, and there are times when he still has to drink Ensure, or Glucerna to supplement his diet. And from time to time, his esophagus has to be dilated, so he can swallow food again.
So he had trouble getting some meat down a couple of weekends ago, and went to M.D. Anderson, the cancer hospital in Houston, to have things checked, and to have his esophagus dilated again.
And they found something. He has cancer again, in a totally different place.
The good news is, they found it really early, before it's had much more than a chance to think of just showing up.
The bad news is, my dad is 84 years old, with health issues he didn't have six years ago. He's diabetic, he's not sleeping, he's not eating well...
We have sort of a love-hate relationship. It's better than it used to be, but I think that's mostly because he lives in Houston and I don't. We both know how to play on the other's last nerve. There are times when I love him, and times when I could happily rip his arm off and beat him over the head with it. He is the only person on the planet that I am scared to death of, and ironically enough, the only person I can tolerate around me when I'm in severe pain. Because he won't try to soothe me, or comfort me. He'll just hold my hand while I get on with it, bearing it as best I can, and not saying much when I start crying, except to pat me on the shoulder and say, "Just let it go, Peanut. Just let it go."
It's not my birthday, until my dad calls me on the phone and sings his own special version of "Happy birthday to you," to me. When he''s gone, I'll just... stop aging, I guess. Or start counting backwards.
I told him I wasn't going to have another baby just so I could pump breastmilk for him to have when he goes through chemo again. And yes, his doctors credit that with getting him through the first rounds of chemo and radiation.
He said that was okay. It was a little weird for him anyway. Heck, it was weird for ME, but... at least all I had to do was pump it, bottle it, freeze it, and send it along. It wasn't like I was THERE! *squicked*
I know this is rather a rambling post, but... I'm trying to wrap my mind around this. As soon as I get my mind around it, I'll be okay. And I can move on and start planning. I just wish there was someone here to pet me and tell me it's all going to be okay. Even if it isn't.