Auntie and the Bandit

I had another doctor's appointment today, basically to see what my progress has been. I was a little late, however, and this is why.

A bandit tried to appropriate my minivan.

SERIOUSLY!!!

It started out innocently enough. When the kids and I left for school this morning, we saw a ginormous raccoon go racing across the street to the trash cans of a house on the corner. The kids were like, “Whoa!” and I was like, “Wow, that is one seriously well-fed raccoon!!” They chattered about it for a bit, and then I dropped them off and didn’t think about the raccoon again. The doctor appointment was at 8:30, so I came home, made myself some breakfast, changed clothes, put up my hair, looked at the clock and thought, “Ooo, better get a move on!”

So, I grab my purse and hurry out, start to trot up to the minivan and… there’s a raccoon sitting next to the van, right in front of the driver’s side door.

It is not a happy raccoon.

I am not a happy camper.

I stared at the raccoon, and it stared at me. I stepped toward it, thinking it would scamper away, you know, as in "Oh, no, big scary human, run away, run away!!!"

It didn’t run away. It HISSED at me!!

I said, “Okay, sorry, big guy, but I need the car, and raccoons don’t drive cars, so shoo! Shoo!”

I added flappy hand effects for emphasis.

The raccoon wasn’t impressed. He sort of hunched up, leaning back against the car, and hissed at me again. Just imagine a raccoon version of “It’s my PREEEEEH-shus!!”

I wasn’t impressed.

I stomped my feet and yelled, waving my arms and tried to sound as menacing as I could. I bellowed, I hopped, I coughed my lungs up…

The raccoon rolled his eyes.

I’m sure our neighbors think I’m quite insane now.

I’m just beginning to think maybe I’d better call the doctor to let them know I’m going to be a little late, and I’m reaching for the phone when it starts ringing. And the raccoon starts getting seriously freaked out. He has no idea where to go, all he knows is he wants to get away from the horrible noise NOW, and he finally scuttles down the driveway and into the hedge toward the street. I pull out the phone as I get into the car… and it’s not even a wrong number! No one is calling!! My phone just... spontaneously started ringing!! It was so WEIRD!!

So... does this mean my phone is sentient and was trying to rescue me? Or was it... just one of those weird little coincidences that just happen to be luckily apt?

As far as the doctor's visit goes, my lungs are clear. X-rays were taken of my chest to confirm that my lungs are clear. And yet, I'm still coughing and miserable, in spite of the Kenalog shot that normally fixes me right up.

The conclusion? All the street work is stirring up particulates, my lungs, being clear now, just can't muster up enough mucus to move the crap out, so basically... they're inflamed. They are very unhappy lungs and complaining vociferously about their treatment. So... I'm on the oral steroids again to see if that doesn't help. And if I'm not significantly better by Friday, I'll have to see a pulmonologist.

Yay.

I'm saying that very unenthusiastically, in case you couldn't guess. Think I'll crawl back into bed and sleep for the next two hours.

Raccoons... SHEESH!!!