auntbijou | Love and loss (Reply)

Okay, so I guess I'd better explain about yesterday.

As you might remember, the Husbandly One's father is in the end stages of lung cancer, and he opted not to be treated for it. After all, he's in his nineties, and it's his choice. A couple of weeks ago, home hospice care was scheduled for him, three days a week, because Ma is just exhausted with caring for him. And he needed more care than she could give him.

Well, Uncle Scientist called and informed the Husbandly One that the hospice care had been stepped up to 24 hours a day, and that Pop wasn't expected to live for much longer. He hasn't eaten in over a week, and he's barely able to drink...

I managed to convince the Husbandly One to take time off from work to drive to San Antonio to see his father one more time, because when he said his mother told him that the blood was leaving his extremeties, I knew it wouldn't be long. In fact, I'm considering calling Uncle Scientist and telling him to step up the schedule and not wait for Saturday to go see Pop. Go now.

This is hard. Even though we've been expecting it, it's still hard. And I hate it that I'm not going to be able to see him again, which is profoundly selfish of me, I know. But it makes me angry. I've mostly come to terms with the fact that I have asthma, and that sometimes, there are things I just can't do. But every once in a while, like now, I find myself resenting it like hell. I COULD go see him, but at the cost of ending up in the emergency room, because, while I'm so much better now, any one of my Big Three Triggers, cigarette smoke, strong perfume, or mold, can drop me in my tracks.

The Husbandly One said, "Honey, it's much better this way. Really. He doesn't look anything like you remember him."

I say nuts to that, but... it can't be helped. What will be will be.

When he got home, I drew him out onto the back porch, and we curled up on the old couch together, watching the cardinals chase each other around the yard while he told me what had happened, and how Pop looked, and I let him hurt, and listened, and just wrapped my arms around him and listened some more.

The next few days are going to be sort of rough. So... be patient with me.