And the winner is...
Sunday, August 19th, 2007 12:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
auntbijouI survived. And you should all be very proud of me, because I didn't kill or assault anybody! Not even the approximately 6000 pound man wearing concrete shoes who stepped on my poor little flip-flop clad foot and squashed my toe!! I didn't hurt him much... I'm almost CERTAIN he didn't need that kidney where I poked him with three stiff fingers. And I only did that when he GROUND his heel into my foot. I'm sure they heard me yelling all the way to Canada! Yeah, just imagine a Texas version of Suzanne Sugarbaker, yelling, "HEY!!! THAT'S MY FOOT, YOU GRONK!! YO!! OFFA MY FOOT, OR I'M RIPPING YOUR BRAID OUT BY THE ROOTS!!"
Of course, being 6000 pounds, it took him a while to react, until said poke in the kidneys. Wow, men are AWFULLY sensitive in their kidneys, aren't they, ladies? Heh...
Well, we survived the mall, and it wasn't as bad as I was fearing. I think folks in Austin are much more civilized than the folks I shopped around in Houston. Shopping at malls in Houston on big sale weekends is rather like rolling in blood, dressing like a seal, and throwing yourself into a tank of great white sharks. Actually, I think I'd probably stand a better chance with the great white sharks, you know? Anyhow, most of my worst experiences shopping on the Tax Free Weekend have come from going to places like outlet malls, and discount stores. Never Again. Ever. I mean that, truly, and Charlotte, honey? If I ever, EVER forget that, you have my permission to poke me in the kidneys. Gently, please. I'm old.
Anyhow, I found myself contemplating one of life's great mysteries as I tried to buy pants for the Impertinent Daughter. Did I mention that our school district has come up with an extremely rigid dress code, to the point where it's practically a uniform, and I want to go to the next school board meeting, channeling Suzanne Sugarbaker again, and say, "Hey!! You! If it's practically a uniform already, why bother? Why not just go ahead and CALL IT A DAMN UNIFORM!! I mean, it's not like there's any great individuality being allowed here. What exactly are you saving here? Really?"
I mean, okay, skirts and shorts for the girls have to go to the knees. Not above the knees. At or below the knees. Have y'all been in the stores? Do you see how long the shorts and skirts are? Or should I say short? Yes, all above the knee. Except for the uniform shorts and skirts. And, they are restricted to plain tee shirts, and polo shirts. And what is this? Yes, a SCHOOL UNIFORM!!!
*rolls eyes*
Okay, so I'm trying to buy pants for the Impertinent Daughter. And she is at that extremely annoying stage of being between sizes, right between a 14, and a 16. And we all KNOW they don't make 15. No, because you see, that would make SENSE!! The 16's aren't just too big, they are HUGELY too big!! And the 14's are just too.... snug. I mean, she can wear them as long as she doesn't do anything like... sit down. Bend over. Breathe. Other than that, SHE'S GREAT!!
AAAUGH!!
So, after an abortive try at Dillard's, we go to Gap Kids. And I grab a pair of 14 regulars. We go into the dressing room. She can't get them over her hips. You see, unlike me, Miss Priss has hips. I have no hips. I am boy-shaped. *sigh* This resulted in me being mistaken for a boy all the way up into my twenties, unless I made an obvious effort to look feminine. Anyhow, the daughter has hips. Well, fine, I think. We'll try 16's yet AGAIN. But... they didn't have 16's in store, only online. Great. But the saleswoman looks at Miss Priss and says, "Why don't we try 12 plus?"
*blink blink*
Huh?
She looks thoughtfully at ID and says, "No, really. We'll try 12 plus, and 14 plus, but I bet the 12's will fit."
Guess what? The 12 plus fit PERFECTLY. I won't even have to hem them. She can bend over, sit, breathe, run, you name it.
I love the Gap.
The Impossible Son got jeans that fit (YAY), and the Husbandly One, who was supervising the fit, actually got it right. I guess my throwing a Royal Hissy Fit last time made an impression. Mr. Manzie looks so totally cool in his new school duds, and his shoes are "totally awesome." (he wanted me to be sure to say it that way. "Make sure you tell everybody my shoes are totally awesome. Because they are. They ROCK!")
He was a lot easier to fit, because the pseudo uniform thing only affects the junior high at present. I'm not sure if it's at high school level (if it is, all I can say is, *snort* Good luck with THAT). And I have to say, Mr. Manzie was incredibly patient with the bra shopping. He only had to hang around with Papa, and walk around looking at housewares, at least while we were at Dillard's, but when we decided to shop instead at Gap Body, well, there wasn't as much to distract him with. I thought the Husbandly One was going to DIE when Mr. Manzie grabbed a bra, poked experimentally at one very rounded cup, turned to look at me and piped in his high, clear voice, "Why is it shaped like THIS?? It looks like something you'd put tennis balls in. Are women shaped like tennis balls?"
I struggled not to fall apart laughing, took a deep breath, and said, "No, not really. Well, SOME women are, like.. Pamela Anderson, but that's another story. No, that's to give the illusion of being shaped that way."
He frowned. "So... women WANT people to think they're hiding tennis balls under their shirts?"
Y'all should be so proud of me, because I did not fall down, incoherent with laughter. No, I stood there, trembling, mouth twitching, snerking, while the Husbandly One fled, and the Impertinent Daughter stared at him wtih her mouth hanging open, then at me to see what the hell I was going to say.
"Yes, Little Man. You could say that, in a way, that's exactly what they want."
I know. I'm evil.
Fortunately, he was distracted by the Husbandly One saying something about trains, and I was allowed to retreat to the dressing rooms where I'm sure my howls of laughter made the staff wonder if I was having a nervous breakdown.
Perhaps I was!
I was so glad when we were done! The last thing we bought were shoes, one pair for Mr. Manzie, two for Miss Priss, and then it was off to Matt's El Rancho for dinner, then home! I will tell you, I am never wearing flip-flops again for shopping. Not only because my toe is squished and purple (man, I shoulda taken out BOTH his friggin' kidneys!!) but because they're just not shoes to wear for a long shopping haul.
And now, I'm going to sink chin deep in a tub full of hot, steaming, lavender scented water and soak my aches away. And I'm NOT going to think about the fact that we have still more shopping to do. Nope, not gonna do it. Nope, off to the tubby for me!!
Of course, being 6000 pounds, it took him a while to react, until said poke in the kidneys. Wow, men are AWFULLY sensitive in their kidneys, aren't they, ladies? Heh...
Well, we survived the mall, and it wasn't as bad as I was fearing. I think folks in Austin are much more civilized than the folks I shopped around in Houston. Shopping at malls in Houston on big sale weekends is rather like rolling in blood, dressing like a seal, and throwing yourself into a tank of great white sharks. Actually, I think I'd probably stand a better chance with the great white sharks, you know? Anyhow, most of my worst experiences shopping on the Tax Free Weekend have come from going to places like outlet malls, and discount stores. Never Again. Ever. I mean that, truly, and Charlotte, honey? If I ever, EVER forget that, you have my permission to poke me in the kidneys. Gently, please. I'm old.
Anyhow, I found myself contemplating one of life's great mysteries as I tried to buy pants for the Impertinent Daughter. Did I mention that our school district has come up with an extremely rigid dress code, to the point where it's practically a uniform, and I want to go to the next school board meeting, channeling Suzanne Sugarbaker again, and say, "Hey!! You! If it's practically a uniform already, why bother? Why not just go ahead and CALL IT A DAMN UNIFORM!! I mean, it's not like there's any great individuality being allowed here. What exactly are you saving here? Really?"
I mean, okay, skirts and shorts for the girls have to go to the knees. Not above the knees. At or below the knees. Have y'all been in the stores? Do you see how long the shorts and skirts are? Or should I say short? Yes, all above the knee. Except for the uniform shorts and skirts. And, they are restricted to plain tee shirts, and polo shirts. And what is this? Yes, a SCHOOL UNIFORM!!!
*rolls eyes*
Okay, so I'm trying to buy pants for the Impertinent Daughter. And she is at that extremely annoying stage of being between sizes, right between a 14, and a 16. And we all KNOW they don't make 15. No, because you see, that would make SENSE!! The 16's aren't just too big, they are HUGELY too big!! And the 14's are just too.... snug. I mean, she can wear them as long as she doesn't do anything like... sit down. Bend over. Breathe. Other than that, SHE'S GREAT!!
AAAUGH!!
So, after an abortive try at Dillard's, we go to Gap Kids. And I grab a pair of 14 regulars. We go into the dressing room. She can't get them over her hips. You see, unlike me, Miss Priss has hips. I have no hips. I am boy-shaped. *sigh* This resulted in me being mistaken for a boy all the way up into my twenties, unless I made an obvious effort to look feminine. Anyhow, the daughter has hips. Well, fine, I think. We'll try 16's yet AGAIN. But... they didn't have 16's in store, only online. Great. But the saleswoman looks at Miss Priss and says, "Why don't we try 12 plus?"
*blink blink*
Huh?
She looks thoughtfully at ID and says, "No, really. We'll try 12 plus, and 14 plus, but I bet the 12's will fit."
Guess what? The 12 plus fit PERFECTLY. I won't even have to hem them. She can bend over, sit, breathe, run, you name it.
I love the Gap.
The Impossible Son got jeans that fit (YAY), and the Husbandly One, who was supervising the fit, actually got it right. I guess my throwing a Royal Hissy Fit last time made an impression. Mr. Manzie looks so totally cool in his new school duds, and his shoes are "totally awesome." (he wanted me to be sure to say it that way. "Make sure you tell everybody my shoes are totally awesome. Because they are. They ROCK!")
He was a lot easier to fit, because the pseudo uniform thing only affects the junior high at present. I'm not sure if it's at high school level (if it is, all I can say is, *snort* Good luck with THAT). And I have to say, Mr. Manzie was incredibly patient with the bra shopping. He only had to hang around with Papa, and walk around looking at housewares, at least while we were at Dillard's, but when we decided to shop instead at Gap Body, well, there wasn't as much to distract him with. I thought the Husbandly One was going to DIE when Mr. Manzie grabbed a bra, poked experimentally at one very rounded cup, turned to look at me and piped in his high, clear voice, "Why is it shaped like THIS?? It looks like something you'd put tennis balls in. Are women shaped like tennis balls?"
I struggled not to fall apart laughing, took a deep breath, and said, "No, not really. Well, SOME women are, like.. Pamela Anderson, but that's another story. No, that's to give the illusion of being shaped that way."
He frowned. "So... women WANT people to think they're hiding tennis balls under their shirts?"
Y'all should be so proud of me, because I did not fall down, incoherent with laughter. No, I stood there, trembling, mouth twitching, snerking, while the Husbandly One fled, and the Impertinent Daughter stared at him wtih her mouth hanging open, then at me to see what the hell I was going to say.
"Yes, Little Man. You could say that, in a way, that's exactly what they want."
I know. I'm evil.
Fortunately, he was distracted by the Husbandly One saying something about trains, and I was allowed to retreat to the dressing rooms where I'm sure my howls of laughter made the staff wonder if I was having a nervous breakdown.
Perhaps I was!
I was so glad when we were done! The last thing we bought were shoes, one pair for Mr. Manzie, two for Miss Priss, and then it was off to Matt's El Rancho for dinner, then home! I will tell you, I am never wearing flip-flops again for shopping. Not only because my toe is squished and purple (man, I shoulda taken out BOTH his friggin' kidneys!!) but because they're just not shoes to wear for a long shopping haul.
And now, I'm going to sink chin deep in a tub full of hot, steaming, lavender scented water and soak my aches away. And I'm NOT going to think about the fact that we have still more shopping to do. Nope, not gonna do it. Nope, off to the tubby for me!!
