Like kicking a grizzly...
Thursday, June 8th, 2006 09:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
auntbijouA couple of days ago, I read a comment on one of the websites I like to frequent (gay sex tips... Auntie gets SUCH an education from those boys!) that had me literally choking and spewing my tea all over the screen with laughter. "Like kicking a Grizzly, it always ends badly."
First, there was the mental image that popped up, you know, some hapless mortal kicking grizzly, turning to grin at his pal with the camera, and then ending up shredded by a virtual grizzly tornado. Then I started thinking of all the stuff my mother pops out with that convulse me on a regular basis.
My mother is a Southern gal. Her family is from Louisiana, and between that and her upbringing in Texas, my mom has more sayings that crack me up than you can shake a stick at! (See? I do it, too.). I've heard these sayings all my life, and when I was small, though I'd giggle occasionally, I never thought about what they MEANT, until I was older, and that was when I would stop, eyes widening, fighting back a snort, struggling with tears in my eyes until the howl finally popped loose and I would fall apart. Some of her sayings she saved up until I was a teenager, Once, she watched one of my friends trying to show us this incredible gadget he had bought, extolling its virtues and how it would save us so much effort, only to have it fail miserably. She nodded and said very dryly, "Well, that's as useless as tits on a boar."
We all stood there in silence as she watched us, eyes twinkling merrily, just waiting for it to sink in, and I started trembling, biting my lip desperately, because I got it, a boar is a male pig... tits are useless because... because... oh gods... and I fell apart, laughing so hard my legs collapsed. They followed, of course, but oh, my mom is dry!
Then there are her malaprops. You know, mangled sayings? I think sometimes those are more fun than the others. My personal favorite came up before a shopping trip. We were running late, she wanted to get out and go because we had something to do later, so she said, "Come on, hurry up, let's kill two stones with a basket and get this over with."
I stopped and stared at her, mouth open. "Kill two stones with a basket?" I mouthed to myself. "What?" I said finally.
She blinked. "I did it again, didn't I? What did I say?"
"Kill two stones with a basket." I smirked, trying so hard not to laugh.
"I did not! Why on earth would I say that? Where would that come from?"
Do you know, we actually sat down and tried to figure it out, shopping trip forgotten? I think the closest we came was a bit of "A bird in hand is worth two in the bush" and "A tisket, a tasket, a green and yellow basket," with a bit of, "A rolling stone gathers no moss." But we're not sure.
Then there's Mom's classic response to inquiries regarding unknown creatures in nature. In other words, the bugs we found in the back yard that we would say, "What is this?"
"I don't know. You name it, and I'll throw peanuts at it," she would say with a skeptical rise of the eyebrow.
Of course, my sensitivity to my mother's sayings have made me collect others that I hear. My mother-in-law woke her husband up one night, shaking him frantically, and he jumped awake, thinking she had had a nightmare, or she'd heard something outside. "What? What is it?" he asked, trying to kick-start his brain into alertness.
"Al!" she said intently.
"What?"
"Al!" she said, gripping his shoulders as she stared deeply into his eyes, her expression nearly frantic.
"What?"
"Al!" she said, trembling as she bit her lip, trying to make him understand.
"What??" he nearly shrieked.
She blinked, and stared at him, then moved closer until they were practically nose to nose, and then she said, "It will all... come up... in the toaster." Then she turned around, pulled the covers up and went straight back to sleep.
"What... the hell??" he said weakly, staring at her, and couldn't get back to sleep. Every time Al tells that story, I laugh so hard no one lets me have a drink any more, because it will surely end up splattered everywhere.
Then there was the Husbandly One's best friend's saying of, "I don't know you from Adam's housecat!" One of my favorite sayings now. When he first said it in my hearing, I stared at him. "What?"
"I don't know you from Adam's housecat!"
"Who is Adam, and what does his housecat have to do with anything?"
"Hello, Adam? You know, Adam and Eve?"
"Are they here?" Auntie looks around. No, she's not really that dumb, she was yanking his chain.
"Oh, gods, I hope not!"
He was so easy!
Anyhow, I guess I have a new saying to add to my "collection." Heh, heh, "like kicking a grizzly..." good one!
First, there was the mental image that popped up, you know, some hapless mortal kicking grizzly, turning to grin at his pal with the camera, and then ending up shredded by a virtual grizzly tornado. Then I started thinking of all the stuff my mother pops out with that convulse me on a regular basis.
My mother is a Southern gal. Her family is from Louisiana, and between that and her upbringing in Texas, my mom has more sayings that crack me up than you can shake a stick at! (See? I do it, too.). I've heard these sayings all my life, and when I was small, though I'd giggle occasionally, I never thought about what they MEANT, until I was older, and that was when I would stop, eyes widening, fighting back a snort, struggling with tears in my eyes until the howl finally popped loose and I would fall apart. Some of her sayings she saved up until I was a teenager, Once, she watched one of my friends trying to show us this incredible gadget he had bought, extolling its virtues and how it would save us so much effort, only to have it fail miserably. She nodded and said very dryly, "Well, that's as useless as tits on a boar."
We all stood there in silence as she watched us, eyes twinkling merrily, just waiting for it to sink in, and I started trembling, biting my lip desperately, because I got it, a boar is a male pig... tits are useless because... because... oh gods... and I fell apart, laughing so hard my legs collapsed. They followed, of course, but oh, my mom is dry!
Then there are her malaprops. You know, mangled sayings? I think sometimes those are more fun than the others. My personal favorite came up before a shopping trip. We were running late, she wanted to get out and go because we had something to do later, so she said, "Come on, hurry up, let's kill two stones with a basket and get this over with."
I stopped and stared at her, mouth open. "Kill two stones with a basket?" I mouthed to myself. "What?" I said finally.
She blinked. "I did it again, didn't I? What did I say?"
"Kill two stones with a basket." I smirked, trying so hard not to laugh.
"I did not! Why on earth would I say that? Where would that come from?"
Do you know, we actually sat down and tried to figure it out, shopping trip forgotten? I think the closest we came was a bit of "A bird in hand is worth two in the bush" and "A tisket, a tasket, a green and yellow basket," with a bit of, "A rolling stone gathers no moss." But we're not sure.
Then there's Mom's classic response to inquiries regarding unknown creatures in nature. In other words, the bugs we found in the back yard that we would say, "What is this?"
"I don't know. You name it, and I'll throw peanuts at it," she would say with a skeptical rise of the eyebrow.
Of course, my sensitivity to my mother's sayings have made me collect others that I hear. My mother-in-law woke her husband up one night, shaking him frantically, and he jumped awake, thinking she had had a nightmare, or she'd heard something outside. "What? What is it?" he asked, trying to kick-start his brain into alertness.
"Al!" she said intently.
"What?"
"Al!" she said, gripping his shoulders as she stared deeply into his eyes, her expression nearly frantic.
"What?"
"Al!" she said, trembling as she bit her lip, trying to make him understand.
"What??" he nearly shrieked.
She blinked, and stared at him, then moved closer until they were practically nose to nose, and then she said, "It will all... come up... in the toaster." Then she turned around, pulled the covers up and went straight back to sleep.
"What... the hell??" he said weakly, staring at her, and couldn't get back to sleep. Every time Al tells that story, I laugh so hard no one lets me have a drink any more, because it will surely end up splattered everywhere.
Then there was the Husbandly One's best friend's saying of, "I don't know you from Adam's housecat!" One of my favorite sayings now. When he first said it in my hearing, I stared at him. "What?"
"I don't know you from Adam's housecat!"
"Who is Adam, and what does his housecat have to do with anything?"
"Hello, Adam? You know, Adam and Eve?"
"Are they here?" Auntie looks around. No, she's not really that dumb, she was yanking his chain.
"Oh, gods, I hope not!"
He was so easy!
Anyhow, I guess I have a new saying to add to my "collection." Heh, heh, "like kicking a grizzly..." good one!
