auntbijou: (Kirk duh what??)
So, last night, I was up late writing, and had just finished brushing my teeth when my ringtone started playing from the bedroom. Not wanting to wake the Husbandly One up even more than he already was, I hurried into the bedroom and snatched up the phone.

Now, in my family, if your phone rings after ten o'clock... it's very rarely good news. Especially if you don't know anyone who is pregnant. And my mom had called earlier in the day to tell me she had a urinary tract infection, and she was having pain in her back. And I had urged her (and the Flaky Sister) to actually go in and see the doctor, rather than just calling in, because back pain with a UTI is never a good sign in someone my mother's age. Especially with her family history. So, when I answered my mobile, I fully expected to hear the Flaky Sister telling me she'd had to rush Mom to the hospital or something.

What I didn't expect was to hear a teenaged boy say, "Auntie?" And by Auntie, I mean he called me "Aunt (insert my RL name here)."

I froze, racking my brain to remember what my youngest great nephew sounds like, and said, "Yes?"

He laughed and said, "It's Adrian! How are you?"

Uh... wait... what? I don't have any nephews called Adrian. At least... I don't think I do. I have some cousins named Adrian, but I don't know them very well, and they wouldn't call me "Aunt" without telling me their last name so I'd know where they are in the family, and how we're related, nor would they call me at 1 a.m. But... he knew my name. It was... surreal.

"Sorry, but who are you calling?"

"Aunt J! I'm calling Aunt J! That's you, right?" he said. "Don't you remember me? We were dating when my dad went to jail?"

What... the... FUCK??

"Sorry," I said with a frown, "but I'm not in the habit of dating my family. Who is this?"

"Adrian!" he said insistently. "Don't you remember me at all?"

"Sorry, kid, but I only have two sisters and no brothers. And I don't have a nephew named Adrian that I'm aware of," I said tartly. "Now if you tell me who your mother is, or how we're related, maybe we can figure this out, but it's really late..."

"But we dated!" he insisted.

"I don't think so." I was starting to get angry, and yet, it was so ridiculous, I couldn't help laughing. I mean, this guy sounded all of 16. "Look, you obviously have the wrong person. Why don't you call it a night and hang up?"

"Okay," he said, and that was that.

Weirdest phone call ever.

Hee Hee Hee!!!

Wednesday, April 1st, 2009 07:44 am
auntbijou: (Default)
Y'all... I am SOOOOO evil!!

Last night, I put a ringtone on the Husbandly One's phone that says in a very swishy man's voice, "Pimp... pimp phone... pimp phone ringing," over and over again and all without him knowing it. And oh, wasn't it hard for Auntie to keep a straight face, or to keep from cackling with glee last night?

Anyway, in a little bit, I'm going to email friends and family to call him periodically throughout the day so it pops out with that ringtone constantly. Because... he doesn't know how to change it.

BWAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

ROFLMAO!!!

Hoo, hoo, hoo... oh, I am evil!!!

Happy April Fool's Day, y'all!!!
auntbijou: (Default)
Okay, so after a very irritating two days of cleaning and scraping calcium deposits out of my dishwasher (trust me, you REALLY don't want to know), I was elbow deep in hot soapy water, washing a backload of dishes while trying to convince the Impossible Son that the project due tomorrow is actually homework and therefore, no, he can't go play with his buddies until he's got at least half of it done, as well as trying to keep an ear out for the Impertinent One, who is in her room for some reason, the door closed and all sorts of mysterious thumping and thunking noises going on.

Then the phone rang.

I automatically answer it now, because the Caller ID strip on our phone is burned out, and it might be my family, right? So, I answer and I hear this bright, chirpy female voice say, "Hello, my name is Veronica, and I'm with American Direct. We're opening a store in your area and if you apply for membership, we're offering you a chance to win a free gas card and a brand new truck..."

"What's the time limit on the free gas card?" I asked the second she paused to draw in a breath.

"Huh?"

"How long will I be able to get free gas with the gas card?" I persisted.

"Um... one month," she said slowly.

"I see," I said in my starchiest, most disapproving tones. "And what's the mileage on the truck?"

"I... what?"

"How many miles per gallon?" I asked sternly (can you tell I was enjoying this thoroughly?).

"Oh... um... about 18 to 20 gallons per mile..."

"Uh-huh. So... what you're offering me is an exorbitantly high rate to join your buying club, and in return, you're offering me a very slim chance to none at all at winning a truck that only gets 18 miles per gallon, and free gas for a month. With gas at $3.53 a gallon right now."

"It's a really cool truck," she offered timidly.

"If you're going to try to scam me," I drawled scathingly, "you should at least try to make it worth my while!!"

Do you know... she hung up on ME?? Huh... I wonder why?

*smiles innocently at you all*

CREEEEEEPY!!!

Tuesday, May 13th, 2008 09:02 am
auntbijou: (Default)
So, I needed to postpone Miss Priss' MRI appointment, because funny mole that is itchy, and irregular shape, and two different colors trumps whatever might or might not be going on in her head. I found the pediatric neurologist's appointment card and walked back to the computer, staring at the number as I reached for the phone, put my hand on the receiver to pick it up... and it rang, making me jump.

Okay.

So, I pick it up before it has a chance to finish the first ring and say, "Hello?"

"Hi, this is Jane at Dr. Headbanger's office. Is this Mrs. J?"

"Ye-e-es," I said slowly, extremely freaked out.

"Oh, good, I'm calling about the Impertinent Daughter's appointment tomorrow?"

I blink. "Er, actually, I was just about to call you..."

"Is that why you answered so fast?" she said merrily.

"Well, yeah, actually. I have Miss Priss' appointment card in my hand and I was just about to pick up the phone..."

She chuckled and said, "Well, that's the thing about neurologists' offices. We know things," she finished in a sppoky voice.

I laughed uneasily, then told them we needed to postpone her appointment and why and got that all fixed up. And now, I'm tempted to go hide under my bed and be extremely paranoid!!

Dude,seriously... that was just... CREEPY!!!
auntbijou: (Default)
I had the worst phone solicitor ever call me this morning. It was barely ten a.m. Just picture this...the phone rings. I look up from my contemplation of the morning paper, and answer.

My first impression was the person on the other end had just woken up, and was apparently confused as to whom had called whom.

"H'lo? Who ishthish?"

I blinked. "I have no idea. You tell me."

"Oh!" What little of her brain that had not been pickled in whatever she'd been drinking for breakfast kicked in. "Oh, uh... my namesh Alisha, an' I'm callin' fer Holiday Villish...Villifff... HOMES, an'... an'..."

"Who is this?" I asked at my most repressive.

"Um... I'm Alish... Alishes... Alish-sh-sh-shaaa, and I'm calling fer... fer..."

"Maybe you should read your little card," I said helpfully.

"Oh, can't read that, ish all blurry an' keeps moving..."

"Maybe you should move with it."

"Makes me shick..."

"Sounds painful."

Weak laughter. "I'm... I'm calling because...er... why'm I calling you?"

"Because you're drunk and you have no idea what you're doing?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm drunk. Heh. An'... who're you, again?"

Sigh. This is too easy. "Britney Spears. I want you to arrange my comeback."

"Oh. Bummer. Can't stand Britney Spears. She's all fat an' can't sshing worth a damn-fuck."

"Then perhaps you'd better hang up."

"OKAY!!" Click.

Like I said, too easy. Geez, I know a job as a phone solicitor can suck, but how bad does the job have to be that you have to get drunk before you start making your calls?

I know, I know, I could have played with her mind a whole lot more than I actually did, but you know, I was enjoying a peaceful morning, feeling kinda happyish, and not really in a snarky mood. Hey, I did the best I could with the materials I had to work with!! I admit, the reason Britney Spears popped into my head was because I was looking at an article about her mom writing a ...er... parenting book. I wonder if it's a reverse manual, as in, "if you want happy, well-adjusted kids... don't do this."

One can only hope...

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